waking up without spoons

 

 Someone has been spying on me
 

Now before you think that I am a complete nutter whose marbles have been long lost in the fight against chronic pain, if you don't know what I mean by "spoons" you better go and read the brilliance that is "The Spoon Theory," by Christine Miserandino. This post will make much more sense to you. You're welcome.

If you're already down with "The Spoon Theory," you may continue...
 

I haven't been blogging anywhere near as much as what I would like to because I've been busy. And by busy, I mean watching reruns of "The Bachelor."

 

Oh the glamourous life of a spoonie.

 

I've been struggling with a severe spoon shortage lately and things aren't getting done. Not even some of the basics. Most days I am feeling too exhausted to function. Laundry is winning, my meds aren't quite cutting the mustard, my bedroom looks like a battleground.... and I am too tired to finish this sentence {sigh}.

I'm barely one paragraph in and I'm already face-planting on my laptop. This is exactly why I haven't been blogging. The problem isn't that I'm lacking inspiration and don't have anything to write about, because heck, I have plenty. I have about 50 posts floating around in my head, it's getting them out that's the issue. It's crippling fatigue and brain fog that's the enemy here. I try and write but I just don't have very much of the mental energy that is required of such an activity, so I end up throwing in the towel because it's just too frustrating.

I used to wake up with at least a little energy in the tank but nowadays I'm waking up with pretty much nothing. I have a few spoons to get breakfast, do my exercise for the day and shower, but that's about it. I do my exercise so that I don't become deconditioned and the rest of the day is spent alternating between watching episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" and pinning pretty things on Pinterest.

Sometimes success is just having a shower and getting dressed.

 

Aside from posts, there are craft projects that I have wanted to work on too, but this spoon shortage crisis forces everything to fall by the wayside. EVERYTHING.

Sometimes I do force myself out of the house in attempt to salvage my social life but I feel too exhausted to even enjoy myself. Being this spoonless makes it extremely difficult to meet new people and invest in new (and old) friendships.

 

If I go to the shops I can now only manage browsing one store- two if I'm lucky.

 

It has been a constant string of bad days and right now CFS is winning. It's gotten so bad that I wonder How am I going to survive this? How can I keep feeling this terrible?

It's a struggle to get out of bed every morning- you know you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome when you need a nap from trying to get out of bed.

 

I wake up looking forward to going back to bed at night- that's what life is like for me right now. There isn't much joy in it. Everyday has become all about just surviving. Just getting by is all I have energy for.

Being spoonless sucks. You can hardly do anything. Trying to get things done without any energy is like trying to start a car without any gas; it just doesn't work.

I haven't given up on blogging. I'll be back. I'm definitely due for some extra spoon days...

 

A creative misadventure: The freehand zebra print that looks more like uncoordinated zig zags manicure

I decided to attempt a freehand manicure again. This time I painted zebra stripes with black acrylic paint. I'm not real happy with the results, but I know a few of you on the facebook page mentioned that you wanted to see it on the blog.

So here it is in all of its sparkling glory.

Yeah, not exactly quite zebra like is it? It's more zig zag like, if anything.

Uncoordinated zig zags. I probably needed to use a thinner brush. I can't draw to save myself which is why I struggle with freehand manicures so much. Maybe next time I'll just stick to using my konad stamps. On the positive side, painting freehand with acrylic paint is much easier than it is with nail polish.

The silver giltter polish I used for this manicure is by Simpli Cosmetic Collection which I bought from a $2 store.

It doesn't look as bad from a distance. A stunning silver glitter polish combined with zebra print has the potential to be an amazing manicure. I'll keep experimenting.

pretty pink blogoversary giveaway

To celebrate 3 years of blogging and to say thank you for your support, friendship, encouragement and inspiration, I'm having a pretty pink giveaway. It's just a small girly giveaway this time round, and this year only those who have or create an account will be able to enter, which means that anonymous comments will not be accepted (sorry guys).

 

Here's what's up for grabs: A floral beauty case, teapots notepad, cupcake napkins, and pack of 50 Robert Gordon paper baking cups ideal for cupcakes, muffins and desserts.

How to enter:

Want to win these pretties? All you have to do is leave a comment with your name and email address. That's it.

 

The details:

Entries close Monday 27th May at 9pm and the winner will be announced in a blog post on Tuesday 28th May. No extra entries will be given. International entries welcome.

 

Come celebrate with me!

 

Chocolate cupcakes with peppermint filled Easter egg centers

I did some belated Easter baking a few weeks ago and tried out the new baking trend- cooking Easter eggs in the batter. Amazing is an understatement.

I really wanted to try out caramel filled eggs in vanilla batter but because I wasn't feeling well enough to go and get some, the only flavour left after Easter was peppermint- the perfect match for a chocolate cupcake!

Cooking Easter eggs inside the cupcakes is really simple. All you need to do is pop one egg into each cupcake before putting them in the oven. When they are ready to come out, you can wow your guests with a surprise centre.

If you let them cool to room temperature, you'll have a gooey center. If you store them in the fridge, the eggs will harden and you will have a solid egg to bite into. Either option is equally pleasant, it just comes down to personal preference.

I think this new baking trend is genius, and it's a great way to use up left over Easter eggs. Cooking chocolate in the center of cupcakes is the perfect way to make sure that they turn out moist.

The recipe

The recipe for these chocolate cupcakes comes from the Glorious Treats blog. I highly recommend it- they are the most decadent, divine, magical melt in your mouth cupcakes. I've never tasted better. This is where my inspiration for these cupcakes came from. Follow the instructions just for the perfect chocolate cupcakes only, and don't forget to add your chocolate peppermint filled eggs at the end.

For the chocolate butter cream frosting:

125g butter, softened

1 1/2 cups icing sugar

2 tablespoons milk

2 tablespoons cocoa powder

 

Beat butter in a small bowl with an electric mixer until it is as white as possible. Then beat in the sifted icing sugar along with the cocoa, and milk in two separate batches. Pipe swirls onto cupcakes and dust with cocoa.

 

**Cupcake cases are by Robert Gordon

There is a lot to love

 

My life is nothing like I had pictured it would be at 24. It's far from what my young girlish imagination dreamt. I'll be honest... I really don't like how my adult life is turning out, and I certainly do not like the downward spiral direction that it is taking right now. There are a lot of things in my life that I do not love, things I wish I could change, but can't just yet. I hate being sick. I hate that my social life is down the drain. Not being able to work, study, and do everything that I want to do sucks giant donkey balls.

 

It's downright disappointing that I'm feeling worse when health professionals predicted that by now, at the very least, I'd be feeling a little bit better and able to manage working a couple of shifts. I don't like struggling with side effects and feeling stuck. I hate having to deal with the depression that comes with having life altering chronic illnesses. I hate that because of drug induced weight gain, I don't love my body.

 

Due to debilitating fatigue I often feel like I've lost my passion. My drive. My oomph. My zest for life. The motivation just isn't there anymore. The old me has been suppressed. I hate that.

 

Sometimes I feel like I hate everything in life. Chronic pain and fatigue doesn't make life very enjoyable some days. So there are times when I ask myself: Do I really love my life? Do I love it enough? Blogging has played a big part in showing me that I do. I don't hate everything in my life- that's the depression talking. Yes, there is so much that I am terribly unhappy with, but there is also a lot of things that I do really, really, love.

 

It's through blogging that I've seen snippets of the old, determined me shine through again. My passion and love of life is still there, it's just a little deeper down, and that's ok. I'm dealing with a monster at the moment.

 

It has done a lot for me, this blogging thing. It has been helpful far beyond my expectations. I've found something that I really love in the midst of so much hate. It is what keeps me going. It gives me hope to hold onto. Blogging is a blessing. It serves as a constant reminder of how much progress I am making. I realise that I am in fact achieving things, despite a lot of days when it doesn't seem like I am.

 

I've been blogging for 3 years now, which is a big achievement in itself. I've learnt a lot about myself; I've discovered new dreams and developed new passions. Through blogging I've met some incredibly inspiring people and have made some amazing friends, too. I know that I am incredibly blessed, and for that I am grateful.

 

Blogging has allowed me to discover things about myself that I didn't know. Back when I was first diagnosed and was forced to give up studying something that I loved and was passionate about, I would just sit in my room and stare at the wall, so brokenhearted, because I didn't think that I would love anything ever again. How could I love and enjoy life with a chronic illness? How could I be passionate about something when I have nothing left in my life to be passionate about?

 

With time, I've found that there is still a lot to love. There's a lot to love about myself and there's a lot to love about life. I've fallen in love with craft, writing, design, and good food. I'm so passionate about encouraging people with chronic illness. I'm so passionate about starting a world wide chronic illness ministry. I'm so passionate about dreaming big. I'm so passionate about living creatively, and that's all because of blogging.

 

Blogging has opened my eyes to all the good things in my life that I wasn't paying attention to before. I've come to see that I really do love my life. I am still a passionate person, I wouldn't be blogging if I wasn't. I am still determined, I wouldn't be dreaming if I wasn't. I love my life, I wouldn't be creative if I didn't.

 

I still have a purpose. I am still useful. I have a lot to live for. There is a lot to love.