Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Running On Empty- Life With Chronic Fatigue Syndrome



Chronic fatigue is most taxing to say the least- it's futile. When the fatigue explodes into a full blown flare frenzy I hardly leave the house. Even just the thought of getting out to do a bit of shopping makes me cringe. Yes, you know a woman is really struggling when she doesn't go shopping! Along with the fatigue I also suffer from a serious case of PPS (party pooper syndrome), CBSS (can't be stuffed syndrome) and NLD (no life disease). Some days I have less energy than a slug! I don't feel like socialising and to be honest I don't feel like doing anything, nothing- zero. I've lost all motivation and the real shocking thing is that I actually don't care anymore. I'm just too tired. I blog to let out steam and that's about all that I do really. Sad, I know but what can you do when the fatigue is just so exhausting that it sucks all the life from within you? I've somehow learned to succumb to this weary way of life. During the day I experience a constant feeling of lethargy with "waves" of fatigue that come and go throughout the day. And when those waves hit, no matter how much I fight them, I am forced to stop what I am doing and sit down because if I push, the aching in my legs starts and my whole body goes into shutdown mode; causing a feeling of heaviness. It's as if I have bricks tied to my arms and legs and this leaves me with no choice but to reluctantly surrender to the inevitable exhaustion. Which suffocates me.

Needing twelve hours of sleep sometimes even more, and having little to no energy on a daily basis is draining. It's crippling. I'm running on empty. Everyday. From both physical and mental exhaustion. A shattering exhaustion. It's as if someone has unplugged my power supply and cut the cord so that it cannot be connected again. I used to have more energy than a kid as high as a kite on red cordial. And why such a thing that's now worth more than a treasure chest of gold to me has been lost to a stupid, baffling condition called chronic fatigue syndrome, provoked by fibromyalgia syndrome and arthritis- is a mystery little is known about. And this brings me no comfort whatsoever when I'm in the deepest darkest hour of despair with my hands cradling my head whilst tears free fall, when it's enough to just breathe- just breathe, because the unrelenting fatigue has crushed your spirit and overwhelmed your soul. The only comfort that I cherish is hope. No matter how dark it gets or how tough the going gets, there is always a reason to hope. And at the end of a defeated day there remains a little quite voice within me that whispers- you can beat this. There is always hope.

© Emily Ruth 2010



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