Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Last Minute

Every year I promise myself that I will not leave my Christmas shopping until the last minute and yet somehow, despite quality organisational skills (my bedroom would say otherwise), I still find myself ploughing up escalators and charging like a bull at a gate towards the shops. Each year I contend with other customers, and I conquer. I'm a woman on a mission, and no one is going to stand in my way. For what is usually a sanctuary for me is now a battlefield. As soon as I enter the doors, I hoist my handbag over my shoulder and it's game on. Like football, I am competing in a contact sport. I am armed with my heavy duty shopping list and am equipped for battle. Bring it. I know what I want and I will stop at nothing to get it. Yes, I am talking to you lady. Yes you, the one eyeing off that gorgeous- last- one- in- stock gift which I had already mentally claimed before you even awoke to the realisation that it was within your reach. I will get what I came here for. You are messing with the wrong woman. I am highly medicated. I may look cute but I can be psycho. Oh, and I can cry on demand. So please, for the well being of innocent children and bystanders...... back off.

I swear that I will not go anywhere within a three kilometer radius of chaotic Christmas shopping crowds in the lead up to the big day celebration but nonetheless, I can be found weaving and dodging my way through crowds consisting of people who walk too darn slow, those who can't make up their mind and decide which direction they wish to go and countless mothers who think that just because they have a 'baby on board' sign entitles them to behave as though they own the shopping complex. Thinking, why do I leave things until the last minute. Why. Why do I do that? Maybe it's because I enjoy travelling on an escalator and having handbags and shopping bags rammed in my arse. Or because I love having my heels kicked by some idiot who thinks it is cool to walk hot on my heals and copy Hamish and Andy by 'ghost- walking' behind me for half the length of the shopping centre. Maybe I just enjoy having my handbag rudely ripped and knocked off my shoulder by ignorant passer byers who mis-judge the space between me and the next rack of clothing. Or maybe I like having to resist the urge to hold a register assistant ransom because they refused to give me an incorrectly scanned item for the reduced price which was displayed on the ticket because they couldn't be bothered checking. Karma will get you, bitch.

Maybe I just enjoy queuing in a line for twenty-five minutes while I glare at women who refuse to discipline their out of control, screaming, squealing, high pitched, tantrum throwing children. I came to shop, not see an opera. Heck, you need to discipline your child before I punch them in the face. Oh, I know- maybe it's the adrenaline rush I get from glaring furiously at the obnoxious, inpatient snob who jumped the que with my huge dark brown eyes with daggers protruding. Don't you worry, I will set your in- polite rude streak right. I do know how to gauge out your eyeballs so that you won't be able to see where the line starts and finishes. Oh and did I mention that I am also suffering from PMS and have a gun? Any questions?

 So why, oh why do I continue to make a tradition out of leaving shopping until the last minute? Maybe it's because I love the thrill of being rammed in the shins and nearly trampled to death by women who think that their trolley is a weapon of mass destruction. Or perhaps I enjoy the juggling act I have to play whilst carrying the mother of all truck loads of heavily stocked plastic bags.


To tell you the truth, I really don't know why I find myself shopping at such a silly time, but mind you, clearly I'm not the only one who has adopted the motto "There's still time to shop", with a variety of stores open around the clock. And although I may shop when Christmas day is a little too close for comfort- it gets done. I guess the saying is true that if it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done. And heck do I shop my very best. Put simply though, I love to shop. And come Christmas morning I love giving gifts that I have bent over backwards trying to get. I may have been kicked, pushed, shoved and rammed; I may be wounded from battle, but you can betcha bottom dollar- I always come home with the goods.

(c) Emily Ruth 2010

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3 comments:

Alanna said...

Great post Emily! Loved it :) I also leave my shopping to the last minute and get annoyed like all hell, but oh well, I don't think I'll ever change :)

Merry Christmas!

Krissy said...

hahaha i love your description of last minute shopping! soo true! lucky i did all my xmas shopping a week ago :) but i accidentally left my shopping in the food court at DFO and realised after 5 minutes that it was still there and i yelled at my bf to go get the bags LOL!!

im working 24 hour trading tonight at chadstone so i will get to see just how mad some shoppers are!!

Emily Ruth said...

Thanks girls! I really enjoyed writing that, great stress relief!

Oh Krissy! That's so lucky it was still there! That sucks to be working all night, hope it wasn't too crazy for you Xx

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