Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I'll be okay, but today I am not okay.


Today everything is not okay.

Today I am NOT okay.

I feel terrible. Everything hurts. Fatigue is so cruel. Brain fog smothers me like a blanket, it's suffocating.

It's like I am living in a body made of led. Every step in this thick mud is a struggle. I'm knee deep, and almost bogged.

It's as though I have bricks attached to my arms and the weight is just becoming too much to battle.

It's all too much.

Today, it's just all too much.

Today I do not feel well, and if I hear one more person say "you look really well", I fear what I will do.

I am tired and I am sore, and I just can't take much of this anymore. I'm stuck in shit creek, without any paddles, and my patience has drowned.

My attitude is sinking southward. Fast.

Getting your mind into gear is damn difficult when fatigue and pain are your constant companion.

I long for the day when the simple act of scrubbing the toilet, showering and doing laundry are not akin to climbing Mount Everest.

I've climbed bloody Mount Everest.

And today I do not feel okay. Yes, I look good but I know that is what I'm not.

A fibromyalgia flare has rocked up at my door step, and I am defenseless. I start exercise rehab this week and I'm wondering how I'm going to hack it. It's only Tuesday and I'm already smashed.

It's only Tuesday.

Hell, it should be Friday.

Today I am not okay.

How am I going to do this?

HOW?

Today I have lost the battle but tomorrow I will pick myself up and put on my armor.

I will FIGHT.

But today I am not okay.

Today, I am not alone. I am not alone.

Today there is someone who is doing it tougher than I am.

Today there is someone who feels more terrible than I do.

I am not alone.

The good thing about today? There is hope for a better tomorrow.

Today, I am one more day closer to being well again.








**** I have been bombarded with emails as of late and due to fatigue my response may be a little delayed, but I just wanted to publicly say thank you so much for your gorgeous, kind and supportive emails. It's days like today when I have truly needed them. You guys are amazing! x



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5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow this post is inspiring and exactly how I feel. I've been battling with post viral fatigue for 18months and am giving up work this week but you are right today I'm not ok but it's a day closer to the day I will be well and back to better than my old self.
Thank you for your thoughtful and inspiring words
Amanda

WhitKnee said...

This is really well written! Sorry to hear you're still battling =/

Chris 78 said...

Genuinely sorry to hear that you are not ok today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.... Have added your site to my blog.

Miss Chronically Creative said...

Thankyou for the lovely comment Amanda! I'm sorry you're struggling too. Taking time off work sucks. Yep, we will get better one day, we're going to feel better than we have ever felt and it's going to be amazing!

Aw, thanks Whitney didn't think this was a post worth publishing but I'm glad I did. I'm feeling much better having written it x

Thanks Chris! I did have a better day thank you. Oh thanks! I shall pop by and check out you blog :)

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say thank you for your blog. It brought tears to my eyes because it is how I feel today! I wish people could understand what I go through on a day to day basis. I have lost a job that I love because of an illness and causing my fibro to get worse. I also lost my husband due to the fact he just couldn't understand. My father passed away and the stress cause my fibromyalgia to go into over drive. I felt helpless and no one knew how to help. I am not happy to know someone feels like I do, but I am happy that there is someone out there that understands what I am going through!

I am forever grateful that I stumbled upon your site.

Thank you and good luck,
Stephanie

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