Pushed to my limits both physically and emotionally, I inevitably reached breaking point. The bubble I had enclosed myself in burst, and my emotions exploded.
The other night I chucked a big fat wobbly. Yep, that's right, I hosted the greatest of all pity parties at the dinner table. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum, kicking and screaming in the middle of the store because they couldn't have that treasured toy, I too sat and shared some sulky-sulk tears with everyone.
Chronic pain, fatigue and frustration had taken its toll. Five months of unrelenting back and rib pain pushed me to breaking point. Wicked PMS didn't help either. I was exhausted. Tired of aching, and I was angry.
Angry at myself, angry at my body for not being able to do the things I wanted to do. I was angry with life and how unfair it was. So I got upset and took it out on my family. I know, what a sooky la-la, huh?
There were tears, and there was yelling. It was the mother of all "I can't do this anymore" moments. There was even chocolate involved- D brought me a king size kit-kat because what doesn't chocolate fix?
I try not to make these meltdowns a regular occasion but chronic illness is a daily struggle. One minute I seem to be coping fine and the next, I'm knocked flat on my face, reality hitting me hard.
I think half the reason I exploded was because I've been so busy trying to convince myself that I'm happy with my life, but right now I'm just not. I'm trying to be positive and I'm trying to be thankful, but this just sucks.
Lord, it sucks.
Everything hurts. Pain knows no boundaries. Fatigue is brutal. I hate this. It's unfair.
I need my life back, I want my life back. I just want to be able to enjoy myself without having to endure the consequences of pain and fatigue. I'm tired of living off everyone else's happiness. I'm tired of spending most days at home. I am bored. I am bored with my life. Chronic illness is no partay.
I can't sit and craft in my craft studio and be a happy little vegemite all the time. I need a life outside of craft.
I need a life outside of home and I need a life outside of pain and medications, but at the moment I have to be okay with that- and it's hard.
For now, I have to be okay with being someone who has a chronic illness- and I'm struggling with that.
Guilt consumes me constantly. Loneliness is not a lovely companion. It's all too much. This is all too much. This is just too bloody hard.
Why do I have to do this? Why am I sick? Why me?
The good thing about reaching rock bottom is that the only way is up. I know that in my weakness God is strong. He is stronger. I know now more than ever that my God has a plan for my life, a plan far beyond my wildest dreams.
Somehow I know that everything will be okay, that everything will work out, because I have placed my life into the loving arms of a faithful, sovereign God, who is in control.
I believe that things will get better. Things are going to get better.