"Where there is creativity, there is hope." ~ Donna Karan

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Reaching Breaking Point

Pushed to my limits both physically and emotionally, I inevitably reached breaking point. The bubble I had enclosed myself in burst, and my emotions exploded.

The other night I chucked a big fat wobbly. Yep, that's right, I hosted the greatest of all pity parties at the dinner table. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum, kicking and screaming in the middle of the store because they couldn't have that treasured toy, I too sat and shared some sulky-sulk tears with everyone.

Chronic pain, fatigue and frustration had taken its toll. Five months of unrelenting back and rib pain pushed me to breaking point. Wicked PMS didn't help either. I was exhausted. Tired of aching, and I was angry.

Angry at myself, angry at my body for not being able to do the things I wanted to do. I was angry with life and how unfair it was. So I got upset and took it out on my family. I know, what a sooky la-la, huh?

There were tears, and there was yelling. It was the mother of all "I can't do this anymore" moments. There was even chocolate involved- D brought me a king size kit-kat because what doesn't chocolate fix?

I try not to make these meltdowns a regular occasion but chronic illness is a daily struggle. One minute I seem to be coping fine and the next, I'm knocked flat on my face, reality hitting me hard.

I think half the reason I exploded was because I've been so busy trying to convince myself that I'm happy with my life, but right now I'm just not. I'm trying to be positive and I'm trying to be thankful, but this just sucks.

Lord, it sucks.

Everything hurts. Pain knows no boundaries. Fatigue is brutal. I hate this. It's unfair.

I need my life back, I want my life back. I just want to be able to enjoy myself without having to endure the consequences of pain and fatigue. I'm tired of living off everyone else's happiness. I'm tired of spending most days at home. I am bored. I am bored with my life. Chronic illness is no partay.

I can't sit and craft in my craft studio and be a happy little vegemite all the time. I need a life outside of craft.

I need a life outside of home and I need a life outside of pain and medications, but at the moment I have to be okay with that- and it's hard.

For now, I have to be okay with being someone who has a chronic illness- and I'm struggling with that.

Guilt consumes me constantly. Loneliness is not a lovely companion. It's all too much. This is all too much. This is just too bloody hard.

Why do I have to do this? Why am I sick? Why me?

I reached breaking point.

I let out all the hurt, frustration, anger and tears. And then I picked myself back up.

The good thing about reaching rock bottom is that the only way is up. I know that in my weakness God is strong. He is stronger. I know now more than ever that my God has a plan for my life, a plan far beyond my wildest dreams.

Somehow I know that everything will be okay, that everything will work out, because I have placed my life into the loving arms of a faithful, sovereign God, who is in control.

I believe that things will get better. Things are going to get better.

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Foxy in the Waiting Room said...

Your post had me in tears. I know that feeling all too well. We get so fed up with feeling ill all the time and no one can ever really understand except those of us who, like you, struggle with symptoms. Take care. You're not alone.

Jamee @ A New Kind of Normal said...

I have found myself in that place many times, esp this week as my 5th surgery is looming at the end of this week. I wish I had answers as why some of us have to endure such pain without any hope for relief but you are right, we serve a big & mighty God and in Him we can find rest and solice even when we don't have answers. (((Hugs)))

Kiwikchat said...

It does bloody well suck, no matter how we try to change the angle, the view is always the same. Being chronically ill is the pits + PMS, no wonder you cracked. It's only natural.

That said, all we can do is try and enjoy the little moments that are good..or almost good. :)

Failing that ... when I get mad at the world and myself/me/cfs... I like to throw things.

THe trick is making sure they arent breakable...

Ugg boots are my current favourite, they make a satisfying thump when thrown across the room.


I guess that sounds a little bit crazy, but it helps.

Miss Chronically Creative said...

Foxy- It's been a tough few months and I'm so glad that there are people who understand and "get it" like you do. It makes the tough days much easier just knowing that no matter how much I may feel alone- I'm not. Blogging has been such a great tool for connecting with others who understand the frustration and I am so thankful to hear from people like you. Thankyou for the lovely comment :)

Jamee- I will certainly be praying for your surgery this week. I have no doubt that God has HUGE plans for you. x

kiwikchat- yes, there are so many good things and moments that have come into my life since being diagnosed- blogging is one of them. It makes life a little more easier. Chronic illness has defintely given my attitude a major overhall and I appreciate and celebrate the small achievements more, but it doesn't change the fact that it really sucks somedays.

I usually allow myself to have a pity party for a day or two and let myself cry and get mad, shake off all the negativity and then pull myself together and get on with it. It works quite well, when there is a day of chocolate involved!

Somedays I really feel like punching a hole in the wall or smashing some plates, but I haven't resorted to throwing anything- yet. It's a brilliant idea! I'm going to buy myself a pair of ugg boots to throw now!

It doesn't sound crazy at all. I feel so much better already!

Pschall said...

Your post reminds me of so many nights (and days too) when I was hurting from all the pain of disease. It breaks my heart to read about how you are going through so much hurt. Not only does the frustration and pain take a toll on our emotions, but the hormones make things seem more chaotic and impossible. We all have times like this--where we reach our breaking point. But keep getting back up. Keep fighting and believing. I pray you get some relief soon, sweetie.

Miss Chronically Creative said...

unruely hormones definitely make dealing with chronic pain very difficult. I'm so glad that there are special people like you who understand and can relate. Thank you for the encouragement, emotionally I'm feeling a little more better now x


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