"Where there is creativity, there is hope." ~ Donna Karan

Friday, September 2, 2011

I didn't sign up for this

So far I have survived three sessions of exercise rehab. After my second session, the fatigue didn't force me into a pit of despair like it did the first time which was fabulous, although, I still found it a struggle; particularly day one of post work-out.

BUT (there's always a but...), I noticed that the second session aggravated my back more {sigh}. I figured it would eventually improve so I insisted on just getting on with things and I resisted the temptation to complain.

Despite dealing with pain and fatigue after my second session I miraculously managed to take on a babysitting job the following night (despite feeling like a train wreck), go for an afternoon stroll around the shops, and for the first time in ages I was able to spend a Friday night out shopping with my lil' sis.

I also got another two cards made with the design for a third ready to go. Go me!

But here I am now in week three of exercise rehab feeling more than terrible. AGAIN. I'm feeling icky. I'd rather eat worms. Although back pain trumps fatigue this time, so in a weird way that's kind of an improvement, I guess.

Don't get me wrong, I am proud of and thankful for what I have achieved within the last week, really, I am. But I'm feeling negative, overwhelmed and utterly frustrated once again.

In my third session this week, I did much the same as the week before and I feel even the more worse for wear. My back pain has increased ten fold and while prednisolone assists it, exercise provokes it.

The combination of exercise and everything else I've done in the past week has proved just too much for me this week. I did exactly the same work-out as week two but this week my body just can't handle it.

Just because I can manage to do one or several things one week doesn't mean that I can do it the next. That's just how life goes with a chronic illness. It's frustrating. But what am I suppose to do? Do I drop everything and sit on my bum to "save" my energy for my next work-out?

I had a terrible night with back pain the other night. Not a happy camper. Exercise would be a heck of a lot easier if the doctors actually got on top of my pain and I could sleep well at night.

I knew exercising would be hard. I knew that it wouldn't be a happy walk in the park but I didn't sign up for increased pain and sleepless nights. I didn't sign up for feeling more terrible than I usually do.

I didn't sign up for this. I don't want to do this. I am trying my best but I am oh so frustratingly human. There is only so much I can take. Right now I am struggling. I am overwhelmed. This is too much.

This is TOO much.

This whole exercise thing isn't enjoyable and as a result, I'm losing the motivation to stick it out. It is draining my life. I'm losing the motivation to get out of bed in the morning, I'm losing the motivation to blog and do the things I love. Life isn't fun. I'm so tired that all I feel like doing is sitting on the couch and succumb to being a big fat sloth. But I don't. I don't give in.

I somehow keep going. I keep pushing myself to do things and to keep moving and I keep telling myself that things will get better. That this will be worth it in the end. That this isn't a hopeless situation.

To be honest though, all I want to do is chuck a huge hissy fit and give up. Right now I feel like quitting. I'm in the pits and I want out. I feel like flicking the world the bird and dragging the doona over my head.

People keep telling me to quit with the negative attitude because there are so many people who are worse off than me. Oh how I know that, but that doesn't mean that I am not struggling. That I am not finding this difficult.

I've even had "SUCK IT UP PRINCESS" hurled at me. Well, excuse me, I've spent the last five years sucking it up, smiling and being nothing but positive. I happen to think I've done a darn good job even though very few people tell me I have.

I've learnt to be content when everyone else's happiness is flaunted in my face and I've learnt to cope and deal with things on my own. You try dealing with pain head to toe, interrupted sleep at night and pain shooting down your spine when you move your arms and then see how positive you feel.

Until you are ill, you will never understand how incredibly difficult the fight is to stay positive. I'm in pain, and  I'll cry if I want to!
I am where I am today because I have worked bloody hard to pick myself up time and time again when people have let me down. I don't have the most strongest support network, this blog is my only support network and I hate to think where I would be without it.

Writing out all the frustration helps because I don't have a person who I can call to console me when it all gets to much. And I am so thankful that I have this place to vent my anger because my family are sure as hell tired of my ranting.

Right now I'm on edge. I'm the biggest bitch to everyone because I am so bloomin' tired and because of this I feel like I've just been left on my own to deal with it all, when it's just impossible to do this on my own. I'm like a volcano ready to erupt.

I fear I'll burst into tears at any moment and I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling this horrible. I've cried making breakfast, I've cried in the car, I've cried myself to sleep because it's just all too much.

I'm just a big blob of a blubbering mess and I feel like I should just hibernate in my bedroom until this time from hell passes because I'm certainly ain't no joy to be around right now.

Between now and my next session this Wednesday I'm supposed to go for not one but TWO walks. With my back pain the way it is, that's not gonna happen. By the time I recover from one session, it's time for another one, how am I suppose to go for walks on top and still manage daily life and function like a human?


At this rate, it seems like I'll never get back to work.

I'll be okay though, I'm tough. I'm going to trust the "experts" even though it feels like I'm just making a bee line towards dead end disaster. For now I'll do what I'm told, I'll cry if I want to and I'll do anything it takes to help get me through this hell.

For now, I'm holding onto the hope that my back pain WILL get sorted which should make exercising a little more enjoyable. I'm hoping that things will get better, because if things don't slowly start to improve, I am seriously contemplating the thought of chucking this exercise in. I cannot keep going like this. It's not healthy. It's ridiculous. Sheer stupidity is what it is.

This isn't a hopeless situation. It WILL get better. I can do this. I am strong enough to get through this. Yes, I didn't sign up for this but I am strong. I am stronger.

******* On the bright side; I baked the most amazing banana, apple and cinnamon muffins yesterday! The fact that those turned out a treat has made my week that little bit better, and that's enough happiness to get me through another week. Are you finding it hard to get by week after week? What's something that brings you a little happiness that makes the dark times a little brighter? x


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Michelle Jadaa said...

Im sorry but from all ive read online exercise is not the cure all toted by the "experts".Would they tell an MS sufferer that all they had to do was exercise?The medical system is not the amazing miracle it advertises itself as.

Anonymous said...

Hey Sweetie its Sarah from the UK,

I kinda know how you are feeling right now, (I know sometimes that is annoying to hear too ha ha), anyhoo, my docs have finally (after 6 months of messing me around) told me that I have a tear in-between 2 discs in my spine, and then a large bulge in the ones below. So now I know the answer to why I am unable to barely sit up or walk to the bathroom without ending up in tears, I have been told to....(Wait for it...this is a gem...!) Go for at least a 15 minute walk each day, plus bend my spine backwards 30 times in what I'm sure is a trick the chinese used to use for torture! Hehe!...

When I was told this I literally laughed and cried at the same time! Are these people insane?!?! I can barely walk 15 seconds never mind 'at least 15 minutes'. I am fed up of being fobbed off by doctors lately.

I tried the 'back bending in the wrong direction' torture exercise and oh my days, did it hurt when I did it and my pain was trebled the day after (bear in mind here I was only able to bend my back 4 times, not the recommended 30!)...but I was given the age old disclaimer of 'oh...it will hurt the first few times you do it, but it will get better'!

I am starting to get rather paranoid that the doctors send us for physio and exercise treatments when they don't really know what to do with us next, and tell us 'no pain, no gain' and 'it will get worse before it gets better!' To cover themselves.....maybe I'm just spending too much time laid out in bed pondering things!! Haha!

Love and healing vibes,
Sarah xx

Miss Chronically Creative said...

@ Michelle: I'm giving this whole exercise a good go because I've been told time and time again that it will improve my symptoms and help me mangage my illnesses better. So far it's made me terribly worse and not better. It is so incredibly frustrating that doctors think that one thing will work/suit everyone when we are all affected differently. So far exercising has been really detrimental to my mental well being, I'm so depressed because I'm in so much more pain. I can only hope that it gets better!

@sarah: that will never get annoying to hear, it's great to be reminded that I am not alone when I feel like I'm the only person on the planet feeling this way. Ugh! That sounds really painful!{hugs} But I am so glad that you have finally got an answer. Oh how I feel your frustration. That is so true, half the time doctors don't know what to do so they think that getting more mobile is the answer which is stupid because before we were ill we were very active, so if being a lazy sloth didn't cause our condition how is getting more active going to get us out?

If you really can't manage the walks and the stretches, I wouldn't push it. You know your limitations and you need to listen to and respect what your body is telling you. I've learnt that the hard way (and am still learning that!). If your not happy with the treatment, keep searching for a doctor who will listen- I know it doesn't seem like there are many but there are some gems out there who will listen and work with what you can do.

Thinking of you love x


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