"Where there is creativity, there is hope." ~ Donna Karan

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I am thankful for today: The post initially titled "Another horrid crap week from hell. I feel like bashing my head against a brick wall".

Long title, huh? I bet it got your attention though. Yeah, I am awesome!

This past week has been horrid. I can't belief that I am still standing with my insanity still intact. Every single day has been a struggle. This week has sucked. Big time. I know, I know, here I am again hosting the biggest of all pity parties. A sulk fiesta. Don't worry, I'll redeem myself at the end of this ramble.

I feel like bashing my head against a brick wall.

I am still waiting on the paperwork for Enbrel to be finalised, so I'll be lucky to even see that joyous needle next week. Meanwhile, I'm left struggling on my lowered dose of prednisolone which is now basically non effective. It's doing stuff all. I'm frustrated and irritable. My patience is wearing thin. I'm weary and I'm worn out.

I feel like bashing my head against a brick wall.

While back, rib and chest pain are causing enormous grief, I'm also expected to exercise. Pfft. Oh yeah, and I should probably mention that I am now also having trouble sleeping. Need I say more?

Again, I feel like bashing my head against a brick wall.

Someone hand me my crown please, for I am the queen of jerk ville.

This crap horrid week from hell all started last Wednesday after my workout with an exercise physiologist. Back pain never usually causes me too much discomfort during a workout but for some reason my last session was an exception.

From that day on, everything has just spiraled downward. Maybe it's just an inconvenient coincidence that I got worse after my workout, maybe a month without decent pain relief is just becoming all too much to bare now, I don't know, but I feel better blaming something.

In addition to my workout I was to also attempt two short walks around the block. Ha. Ha. HA! I can tell you right now, that didn't happen. The pain has been unrelenting. Panadiene forte worthy. Nausea has been a nightly companion and chest pain has made itself comfortable; inflicting its presence in the middle of the night of all times.

Arthritis in my ribs? Let me tell you, it's nasty. I've been woken up a couple of times in the night with pain coursing through my chest that I've had to bomb myself out on pain killers, which makes for a hell of a hangover the next day. It hurts to breathe and some days I can't even wear a bra because it hurts too damn much. Ah, the advantages of being small busted.

I have really battled this week. I've had to take panadiene forte to get through most days and when the pain proves profound; it hurts to lie down, making sleeping a struggle. If I sleep on my back, it hurts, if I sleep on my stomach that hurts my chest and if I sleep on my side, that hurts my ribs too- I just can't win.

{Bashes head against brick wall}

The thought of having to do another workout again tomorrow has me worried. I've somehow got to survive another week with this pain. It just goes on and on and on and on.....

It never ends.

{Bashes head against brick wall}

This past week has me doubting that things will ever get better. It's really hard to think positively when you feel horrible, but things can get better. For starters, I can have a better attitude. I can be thankful. I can learn from the bad days and make the most of the good days. I can choose joy. I can still make choices, and for that I am thankful.

Today, I am thankful for today.

Today, I am thankful for being another day closer to being well again.

Today, I am thankful that I even have access to medical treatment (even though the system seems a little slow at times).

Today, I am thankful for all the things that I am still able to do.

Today, I am thankful that I can place my trust in the creator of the universe to help me get through the tough times.

Today, I am thankful that it is well with my soul, even though things around me seem so out of control.

Today, I am thankful for life.

Life is still good and today I will rejoice and be glad.


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deb aka murphthesurf said...

Move over...I need to bang my head now. Why in the world would your doctor do the following: lower your pain meds, insist on exercise and all while you are waiting for Enbrel or a TNF med? Banging my head again in the hopes of making sense of the senseless manuever. What am I missing here? Now that my head has cleared from the dizzy head bashing...may I ask...wouldn't this seem more prudent an approach to treatment: increase pain meds until Enbrel is prove to work then lower the doses of said pain med(s) and hold off on the physical therapy until Enbrel is realized as the drug of success? Should I be banging my head again or perhaps your doctors?

Judith Westerfield said...

I can almost feel it from your description.

Miss Chronically Creative said...

I know right?! I was thinking the exact same thing when I was writing this. I had to lower my prednisolone dose in order to qualify for enbrel but my rheumatologist wants me off pred altogether which is why I have been given padadiene forte for pain but it makes me so tired that I'm struggling to cope with exercise and I need to exercise to keep on top of chronic fatigue or it will get worse- it's frustrating! Hopefully in a few weeks it will all be sorted and I'll be able to cope much better, it's just been really tough. Doctors don't seem to get that.


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