Thursday, October 27, 2011

Poetry & Praise: Numb


I have been quite down in the dumps lately. I think there have been a few contributing factors to this recent bout of depression- frustration, isolation, and generally just feeling like a failure. I think six months of unresolved back pain has just pushed me over the edge. I guess depression was inevitable and inescapable considering the circumstances.

I guess it would be abnormal if I wasn't depressed. Being in pain all the time, unable to work and struggling to socialise would get anyone down. Throw interrupted sleep and heavy pain killers into the mix and it's a recipe for disaster. I think I've managed pretty well all things considered.

During this past week I've been miserable and moody and to be honest, I just don't see a way out of it. I'm trying my best but that doesn't seem good enough anymore. It's getting to the point when enough is enough... I need to do something about feeling horrid, but what? Do I see a counselor, do I find a local support group? I'm really frustrated because I don't even know how to help myself sometimes.

Maybe I just need to get out more. You know, go get a life. Whatever a "life" is anymore I don't know but I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve sitting at the kitchen table rolling my headband back and forth for entertainment. Yep, that's how bad things are. I've tried this whole getting a "life" thing and it would be much more wonderful if it didn't involve paying the high price of pain afterwards.

I had a fantastic afternoon with friends on the weekend and as a result spent the majority of that night awake taking pain killers and cuddling a heat pack until I won the fight against fibromyalgia pain. I felt less than fabulous the next day. Fibromyalgia is a bitch. Just sayin'.


I go out, I try to enjoy myself, I do what normal people do and then the pounding pain starts, reminding me that I am far from "normal" and this causes me to feel down. If I stay at home, I become selfish, self absorbed, I pity myself, I feel guilty, ashamed, useless and worthless; and these feelings lead to depression also. See the vicious cycle I'm in? Well, I can't seem to break it. I just can't seem to climb out of this big black hole.

So in my quest to save my mental state, I've looked through some old journal entries I've written from when I was first diagnosed. My goodness golly gosh. Pages upon pages filled with hope, heartbreak, happiness and sadness. I came across a poem that I wrote back in 2008, written after I had to withdraw from my university course, that expresses exactly how I feel right now- numb.

Numb

I cannot feel a thing
I am so numb
I don't know what to do
Or what to think
I cannot feel
I cannot see
I am so numb.
I cannot move
I am struggling to be
I don't know how I got here
Or know where to run
I am so numb.
I am tired
I don't want to
do this anymore
I am tired of being numb
I want to feel
I want to see
I want to move
But I don't know how
To even break free
I am so numb.
All that I can do
All that I know how
Is to sit here and wait
To hold onto hope and
Breathe just breathe
Until I am no longer numb.

© 2008 by Emily Ruth


I know, pretty heavy stuff, right? This journal entry brings me comfort and hope though. I can look back on it and see how far I've come. I got through that tough dark time and I know that by the grace of God, I'll get through this one too.



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3 comments:

deb aka abcsofra said...

Sometime is can seem like there is no light at the end of a chronic pain tunnel but do know that there can be. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this and there are others with you. I can only hope that your docs are doing the best they can by you. Sometimes, and more often than not, pain is not properly treated. Please talk with your docs about this new swing in your mood. And yes, maybe a support group with others in the same or similar circumstance might help or maybe a counselor specializing in chronic conditions like you have. (((HUGS)))

phylor said...

Sometimes, we have to reach out to a support group, counsellor, health care practioner. Knowing that you're not going through this alone, can be helpful. Perhaps there is a pain, fibro, etc. group in your area that you could join.There are communities on facebook and in the cyberverse, as well as real world groups.
Your poem reminds me of lines from a song that has been stuck in my head for years. It's from Pink Floyd's The Wall:
"when I was a child, I had a fever,
my hands swelled up just like balloons . .
I have become comfortably numb"
Hang in there; I hope things become easier soon and the pain lessens. Have as pain-free a day as possible!

Miss Chronically Creative said...

@deb- Thanks, it does really help to know that I'm not alone. My doctors are great but I don't even know how to explain they way I'm feeling to them. Mostly I'm just told that I need to get out more but if my pain was under control then I would! There's not much they can do other than put me on anti-depressants which I've tried many times and endured horrid side effects. I am thinking a support group may be the way to go, that way at least I can talk face to face with others who "get" how I'm feeling- and it will get me out of the house for a bit meeting new people- I think half my problem is that I don't have many friends. Because I became ill straight after finishing school I only have a few school friends and that's it. The online blogging community has been AMAZING though and people exactly like yourself have been such an encouragement to me, so thank you. I started this blog out of a bout of depression and it has been the best thing I have done! I'll be starting on humira soon so I'm hoping that will help things X

@phylor- I have totally become comfortably numb! There is both a fibro and arthritis support group held at the same place once a month 20 mins drive from me, so I think I'm going to give it a try and see if I like it. They have a facebook page which I've already joined... just a little nervous about going as from what it looks like on facebook the people are much older than I am! Which is fine, but it would just be great to know someone the same age/ with same life challenges as me. Yes, internet groups have been so great and uplifiting, I don't know where I would be without them!

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