Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Monster in my head




There is a Monster in my head. It sinks its sharp claws in and rips me to shreds.

Some days there is just no escaping; I am at its mercy, I am its prey.

There is a Monster in my head. It tells me that where I am heading in life is not the right direction, that I have caused myself to stray off track.

There is a Monster in my head. It convinces me that what I am doing isn't good enough. That I am not trying hard enough, not fighting enough, not doing enough, not achieving enough, not thriving enough.

There is a Monster in my head. It makes me feel that my good enough just isn't good enough anymore- that I am not a good enough writer, daughter, sister, friend; that I am not outgoing enough, not happy enough, and that I am not making enough progress.

There is a Monster in my head. It's my number one worst enemy.

There is a Monster in my head. I am weary and I am worn, and no longer will I wrestle with the Monster in my head, for I am slaying it once and for all.

There is a Monster in my head. The Monster is a liar and a thief. To hell with the Monster in my head.

For I know that I know that I KNOW, that I have a purpose. That I am useful, that I can make a difference right where I am with what I have. That although, some days I am defeated- they do not define me, no, they do not define me.

For I know that I know that I KNOW, that I am going places- even when it doesn't seem so some days. That I am victorious and not a victim.

To hell with the Monster in my head.

Life isn't just about the doing. No longer will I be defined by what I have or haven't done.

My identity isn't in money, work or material possessions and just surviving another day is of itself an achievement.

I will celebrate the light, the glimmer of hope, in the smallest of achievements and no longer will I listen to the Monster in my head.

For I am good enough just as I am, by simply being- existing, and, anyone who says or implies otherwise is a liar.


Essay written by Emily Ruth, © ChronicallyCreative.net







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4 comments:

jani said...

Hi Emily,
I just wanted to thank you for this entry. Its great. I so enjoyed reading it. it made my day!

I am also chronically challenged with arthritis, fibro., & osteoarthritis,plus some other stuff. I'm much older than you, and sorry you have to go through this at your age. I know how just having pain all day can be such a drag. Also, as an artist, it's just mentally debilitating.

I do try to get things done, but it's hard. And it's good to know that others are dealing with it.

Thank you again,
Feel better.
xxx,
jani

phylor said...

Monsters, in my case, demons, don't light daylight; they thrive on the darkness. May your head be as full of sunlight as possible.
Bruce Cockburn wrote in the song "Lovers in a Dangerous Time" that "you gotta kick at the darkness til it bleeds daylight." May you always be able to kick at the darkness if it creeps in again.
Sorry I haven't been by too much lately!

phylor said...

I have demons who say thinks like "you're not good enough, smart enought, pretty enough, thin enough, etc. They love to run blueray DVDs of all my embarrassments, torments, and failures.
Some days they win; I can't shut out their chatter. Other days, I drown them out with music or distractions.
Bruce Cockburn wrote in a song "Lovers in a Dangerous Time" that "you gotta kick at the darkness til it bleeds daylight." Sounds like you've started to let the daylight in. Demons and monsters don't like daylight; they thrive on the dark. So, here's to all the sunshine that can fit into your head!
Sorry I haven't been by in a while.

Miss Chronically Creative said...

Hi Jani!

Thank you so much for your sweet comment- you have made my day! Some days are extremely tough and frustrating, hey. Getting things done can be difficult- you try and push through and just get on with things but your body won't let you. Ugh. It's incredibly frustrating. I totally understand.
It's so great to know that I'm not alone though. Hope you have a great weekend! xx

@ phylor- hello! You've just remined me, I need to send you an email, I have a book to send you!

I think at times we all feel like we're not good enough at some point in our lives but living with chronic illness has made it a daily battle for me. I can be my own worst enemy sometimes. It's just really hard to go from doing well at school to being a uni drop out on disability- self esteem = 0 But I'm slowly learning to be OK with what I can't do because I'm trying my best and that's all I can do and that is good enough.

And you my friend, are good enough. You are doing such a great job- you have a beautiful blog, and you should be proud!

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