The other night as I lay in bed star gazing, the tears unexpectedly streamed down my face as reality set in and I realised that my life will never be the same.
One month. It's the longest period of time that I haven't seen Sweet Nan. I'm not used to this, and I don't know if I'll ever adjust. It doesn't feel like I will. Things have changed too quickly, and everything is just a mess. I miss the good old days terribly.
I miss her cooking.
I miss seeing her wearing her pink beanie.
I miss the days when I would sit next to her in church.
I miss driving up on a crap day and dropping in for a visit.
I miss how she always made me feel like everything was going to be okay.
I miss how she spoilt me and made me feel so special and so loved.
I miss her sweetness, the tea drinking and the chocolate biscuit eating.
I've never had to really grieve before as my grandpa died when I was a little too young to fully understand. Yes, I've grieved the loss of the healthy person I once was, but grieving a person who was a huge part of your life is different. It's hard. Really hard.
It's not something I'm going to get over quickly. We enjoyed lunch together every Saturday, it was a family tradition. Since finishing school, I visited during the week too. I could dial her phone number with my eyes closed. Knowing that her home will soon be for sale, hurts. Childhood memories were made in that house.
Grief and chronic illness are not a good combination- the sadness is somewhat exacerbating the fatigue. I try not to get upset because getting upset fuels the fatigue and pain, but then I'm stressing about not getting upset and that's just as exhausting. Some days my heart hurts so much that it is all I can think about. I guess I have to accept that grief is something I can't control and that I may feel extra crappy for awhile. It's going to take me much longer than a healthy person to heal.
Although it's much more harder to get motivated now, I'm still doing things, achieving things and mostly keeping on top of my exercise, even when some days all that I want to do is cry and eat cheezels. Grief and chronic illness is the crappiest combination, and all things considered, I think I'm coping pretty well. I could be flaring much worse than what I am. I have God, a wonderful family, a beautiful craft studio I've been blessed with, this blog and rocking readers to thank for that.
Yes, this sucks, but I'm doing just fine, and for that I'm thankful.
I wrote this in my God journal after staring at the stars:
"Dear God, I don't know how I would have gotten through this last month without you. Your joy has been my strength in the sadness. Your perfect peace has been comfort to cling to. It's your love that sustains me. When I think about having to get through another month without Nan here, in my own strength, I struggle to see a way. I need you. I can't do this without you. I need you to help me. I need you to guide me. I need you to hold me. I need you to carry me. I need you to strengthen me. I need you to heal me. You are my rock. You are my shield. You are my refuge. I am trusting in your goodness and your faithfulness. You have to help me. What am I without you? I am nothing on my own. I need you to make me whole. I need your mercy and grace. I need you to restore strength. I need you. Be my everything. Oh God, I need you. I am clinging to you. In your strength I can get through anything. So be my everything. Be my strength and get me through this."