A rant. Because sometimes, being sick just sucks.
I've survived another week. Just. Now I have to get through the weekend, and with the way that I'm feeling right now, I know it ain't going to be fun. This being sick business is a tough gig, I don't know if I'm cut out for it anymore. I've had enough. I'm pushed to my limits. I want to give up.
If I was feeling half human, my plans for this weekend would probably involve organising my craft studio, going to church and checking out the Melbourne Scrapbook & Papercraft Expo. But I am feeling far from half decent, so I will be doing none of these things. Yeah, I am pretty pissed off about that.
I'm all out of energy. Ain't got nothing left in the tank. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
I have been working so hard with my exercise physiologist to ensure that I pace myself during the week so that I don't tire myself out, having some energy spare for the weekend. That's now been ruined thanks to a new drug that I have to take.
Why am I popping more pills? Well, my stupid body for some mystifying reason has thrown in the towel, chucked a wobbly of epic proportions and is protesting in the form of chronic migraines.
My symptoms don't really fit with migraines, but I'm going to use that name for now because "headaches" don't come anywhere near close enough to describing how debilitating and hellish the pain really is.
The main side effect of this pain medication? Extreme fatigue, lethargy and weakness. OH, OF COURSE IT IS!
As if dealing with CFS wasn't already enough.
Why yes, I'm frustrated, cranky, and angry. Bone-deep fatigue will do that to you.
And what upsets me the most is that before popping these new pills and before the onset of the horrid headaches, I was managing my fatigue levels well. I felt like I was making progress. I was slowly increasing my exercise. I was getting out of the house more. I could see a glimmer of hope. And now I'm going downhill. Fast. And I don't like it. I am not dealing well with it.
While I'm determined to keep going with graded exercise therapy, progress because of pain and stupid side effects has been stalled. Since swallowing these tablets, exercise is becoming a little harder instead of easier. I'm not impressed. I'm sticking to the bare minimum and that's it. It's looking more and more like things will have to get tweaked in order for me to still cope, because I'm now feeling just as awful as I did when I was working one shift a week.
BUT I'M NOT WORKING.
Despite this stupid side effect, I did go out one night this week and I also foolishly made cupcakes. Usually I can cope alright with that, but apparently on this drug I can't enjoy life every now and then. Well, at least that's how it seems right now.
This weekend will most likely be spent counting down the hours left to survive and wondering what's worse- the profound pain rumbling behind my eyes and raging through my teeth that leaves me feeling like I want to shoot myself, or the overwhelming incapacitating fatigue? I have to pick one, because at this point in time, there aren't any other options.
Bring on the weekend. YIPPEE YAY!
If you're going out on the weekend have a drink for me, please.