My life is nothing like I had pictured it would be at 24. It's far from what my young girlish imagination dreamt. I'll be honest... I really don't like how my adult life is turning out, and I certainly do not like the downward spiral direction that it is taking right now. There are a lot of things in my life that I do not love, things I wish I could change, but can't just yet. I hate being sick. I hate that my social life is down the drain. Not being able to work, study, and do everything that I want to do sucks giant donkey balls.
It's downright disappointing that I'm feeling worse when health professionals predicted that by now, at the very least, I'd be feeling a little bit better and able to manage working a couple of shifts. I don't like struggling with side effects and feeling stuck. I hate having to deal with the depression that comes with having life altering chronic illnesses. I hate that because of drug induced weight gain, I don't love my body.
Due to debilitating fatigue I often feel like I've lost my passion. My drive. My oomph. My zest for life. The motivation just isn't there anymore. The old me has been suppressed. I hate that.
Sometimes I feel like I hate everything in life. Chronic pain and fatigue doesn't make life very enjoyable some days. So there are times when I ask myself: Do I really love my life? Do I love it enough? Blogging has played a big part in showing me that I do. I don't hate everything in my life- that's the depression talking. Yes, there is so much that I am terribly unhappy with, but there is also a lot of things that I do really, really, love.
It's through blogging that I've seen snippets of the old, determined me shine through again. My passion and love of life is still there, it's just a little deeper down, and that's ok. I'm dealing with a monster at the moment.
It has done a lot for me, this blogging thing. It has been helpful far beyond my expectations. I've found something that I really love in the midst of so much hate. It is what keeps me going. It gives me hope to hold onto. Blogging is a blessing. It serves as a constant reminder of how much progress I am making. I realise that I am in fact achieving things, despite a lot of days when it doesn't seem like I am.
I've been blogging for 3 years now, which is a big achievement in itself. I've learnt a lot about myself; I've discovered new dreams and developed new passions. Through blogging I've met some incredibly inspiring people and have made some amazing friends, too. I know that I am incredibly blessed, and for that I am grateful.
Blogging has allowed me to discover things about myself that I didn't know. Back when I was first diagnosed and was forced to give up studying something that I loved and was passionate about, I would just sit in my room and stare at the wall, so brokenhearted, because I didn't think that I would love anything ever again. How could I love and enjoy life with a chronic illness? How could I be passionate about something when I have nothing left in my life to be passionate about?
With time, I've found that there is still a lot to love. There's a lot to love about myself and there's a lot to love about life. I've fallen in love with craft, writing, design, and good food. I'm so passionate about encouraging people with chronic illness. I'm so passionate about starting a world wide chronic illness ministry. I'm so passionate about dreaming big. I'm so passionate about living creatively, and that's all because of blogging.
Blogging has opened my eyes to all the good things in my life that I wasn't paying attention to before. I've come to see that I really do love my life. I am still a passionate person, I wouldn't be blogging if I wasn't. I am still determined, I wouldn't be dreaming if I wasn't. I love my life, I wouldn't be creative if I didn't.
I still have a purpose. I am still useful. I have a lot to live for. There is a lot to love.