"Where there is creativity, there is hope." ~ Donna Karan

Friday, May 24, 2013

waking up without spoons

 Someone has been spying on me
Now before you think that I am a complete nutter whose marbles have been long lost in the fight against chronic pain, if you don't know what I mean by "spoons" you better go and read the brilliance that is "The Spoon Theory," by Christine Miserandino. This post will make much more sense to you. You're welcome.

If you're already down with "The Spoon Theory," you may continue...
I haven't been blogging anywhere near as much as what I would like to because I've been busy. And by busy, I mean watching reruns of "The Bachelor."
Oh the glamourous life of a spoonie.
I've been struggling with a severe spoon shortage lately and things aren't getting done. Not even some of the basics. Most days I am feeling too exhausted to function. Laundry is winning, my meds aren't quite cutting the mustard, my bedroom looks like a battleground.... and I am too tired to finish this sentence {sigh}.

I'm barely one paragraph in and I'm already face-planting on my laptop. This is exactly why I haven't been blogging. The problem isn't that I'm lacking inspiration and don't have anything to write about, because heck, I have plenty. I have about 50 posts floating around in my head, it's getting them out that's the issue. It's crippling fatigue and brain fog that's the enemy here. I try and write but I just don't have very much of the mental energy that is required of such an activity, so I end up throwing in the towel because it's just too frustrating.

I used to wake up with at least a little energy in the tank but nowadays I'm waking up with pretty much nothing. I have a few spoons to get breakfast, do my exercise for the day and shower, but that's about it. I do my exercise so that I don't become deconditioned and the rest of the day is spent alternating between watching episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" and pinning pretty things on Pinterest.
Sometimes success is just having a shower and getting dressed.
Aside from posts, there are craft projects that I have wanted to work on too, but this spoon shortage crisis forces everything to fall by the wayside. EVERYTHING.

Sometimes I do force myself out of the house in attempt to salvage my social life but I feel too exhausted to even enjoy myself. Being this spoonless makes it extremely difficult to meet new people and invest in new (and old) friendships.
If I go to the shops I can now only manage browsing one store- two if I'm lucky.
It has been a constant string of bad days and right now CFS is winning. It's gotten so bad that I wonder How am I going to survive this? How can I keep feeling this terrible?

It's a struggle to get out of bed every morning- you know you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome when you need a nap from trying to get out of bed.
I wake up looking forward to going back to bed at night- that's what life is like for me right now. There isn't much joy in it. Everyday has become all about just surviving. Just getting by is all I have energy for.
Being spoonless sucks. You can hardly do anything. Trying to get things done without any energy is like trying to start a car without any gas; it just doesn't work.

I haven't given up on blogging. I'll be back. I'm definitely due for some extra spoon days...



Karen said...

I am definitely feeling your pain - so many good intentions! So little energy :P

Julia Oleinik said...

Awww. I hope your spoon drawer gets filled to the brim soon!

I know exactly how you feel. I'm spoon-less these days as well. -- Julia

Anonymous said...

My blog...um blogs...have been all but closed recently. 2 I haven't posted in for a looooong time. Just no energy. (one is the creative me....one is the cooking me) Then I have the Chronic Illness me....I still post on that one, just not as often and not as positive.

I've been using all my spoons just to go to the bathroom and eat....that didn't sound quite right did it? hope you know I'm not eating in the bathroom LOL.

You getting a shower and getting dressed....oh I envy that energy.

I hope our spoons are restocked soon, I think I lost some, I'm sending my husband to the store to buy me some new ones! That should work...right?

good luck!
and I LOVE your illustrations!

Valerie said...

I can totally identify with all of this! Love the kitty at the bottom! I just found your blog, will have to follow along. I was diagnosed with Fibro, just this past year. After a 15 year, very long journey to get that diagnosis. Hope you are granted extra spoons soon! Val

Kim West said...

Hi I can totally identify ! I have severe Trigeminal Neuralgia ! It is the most excruciating pain known to man. Nicknamed The Suide Disease ! I have been working on being more positive and hopeful. But for some reason after 8 long years and 4 head surgeries I am getting worse. Love the mental picture too of the spoon theory. I've shared it with so many people. The first time I read it , it helped me understand Me better! And my kids get it better too. They will tell me to lie down to save up my spoons for a family event that night. I didn't realize chronic pain. Takes up so much energy! If I'm having a good day and go to a store,I can hardly get home fast enough because pain will shoot up and I'm shaking sweating and leaning over the buggy for dear life! If only we could just BUy some Spoons!!! Thanks for blogging!


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